tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
