Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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