if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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