She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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