things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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