the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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