If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
