I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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