He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
