I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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