I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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