oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The best revenge is premature balding
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
