im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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