You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
