Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
