I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
