i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
