Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
