Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
