you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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