I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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