Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
