i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
