This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
