ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
