Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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