I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
