Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
