someone threw a dead crab at me
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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