I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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