I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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