why didn't you poke me back
Where did you get a picture of my penis
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
