Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
