Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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