There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
even my farts smell like vagina
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
