The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
