We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
