Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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