Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
