Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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