so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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