She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
