I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
