Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
