Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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