I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
