The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
