Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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