My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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