You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
