I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
